March 8, 2000 to July 26, 2000.
Location: Convington, WADate: Wednesday, July 26, 2000 at 19:43:53
I recently lost (5-4-00) my darling 1 1/2 month old son. He had a heart defect. He spent his last days on ECMO. I came across your sight and found that you too were LDS. We haven't met anyone who's child was on ECMO and really wanted to hear more from you. Thanks for your web-page, it does really help! I find that helping others is the only way through the grief and you are doing your part. I look for ways each day to help others in our similar situations and appreciate what you are doing as well.
It seems I spend alot of time of the computer. I seem to find solace in web sites such as yours. I too have lost a child. My only son, Deryk and his fiance Cherie both died in a house fire on Jan.28,1999. I stood helpless, outside that house and watched as backdrafts blew out the windows. Knowing that my precious son and beautiful future daughter in law were still in there. A year and a half later, I still see a grief counselor on a regular basis. She says I suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome. It certainly helps to know that others have made it through this terrible dark tunnel, I now call my life. Bless you and your family. May you find the peace you so very much deserve.
On behalf of my family I would like to extend my heart felt sympathy and prayers to you family. Jesus Himself comes for the little children. In Loving Memory of my daughter Jennifer Lynn Dillon Cobb May 3, 1977 - May 6, 2000
I, too, know the loss of a daughter. I can only try to imagine how it must to be to have lost three.
Dear Marshes, I am writing today in remembrance of your youngest daughter. I see that she has the same birthday as my sweet Rachel who passed away at nine months old three months ago. When thinking of Rachel on that day, I will think of your precious angel also. Debbie
I am so sorry to read about all of your pain. On April 22 2000 we lost our 20 year old daughter to a hit and run. Along with her was her friend who also passed away.When the driver killed those two beautiful girls they also killed entire families and an entire friend network. We are still deeply in the midst of our grieving and feel all the things that only grieving parents can know about. I as her mother struggle every day with the terrible feelings of bringing such a beautiful baby into this world to be taken away from us in such a devastating way all twisted and broken by the side of the road.This is what I wrestle with every day. I guess it gets alot worse before it gets any better. My prayers are extended to all of us who have lost a child; Lifes hardest lesson to bear.
My wife and I lost our 15 month old son to a drowning accident on June 5th. I will revisit your site and try to draw some strength and at the same time try to give some. We see no bottom to our pain yet we do know through faith we will make it. On our way to a counselor for the first time. Love from friends and family has been tremendous. God bless. Jim and Charlie Bishop
This is an open letter to all of the people who have passed through this site. Steve and I are colleagues. What you see and what you read on this site are not statements "for public consumption". It is, rather, a public extension of the person that Steve Marsh is. Steve and Win are two of the most regular people that you would ever meet. Yes, they are strong and intelligent and loving. And regular. They are also the parents of two beautiful living daughters. I do not have the experience of Steve and Win, nor of the visitors to this site. I have 5 living children, but I am parent to a daughter who will likely die from a disorder. I read Steve's site in some ridiculous effort to prepare myself for that day. I am writing to tell all of you in grief, that these are not super people. They did not seek out these horrendous tests, but simply are dealing with what was thrust upon them. They are regular people, like you, who are having to deal with the day in and day out trivialities, and still they find a place to work with the insurmountable grief. In the midst of the pain, they still have to pay the light bill, buy milk and bread. They have to pretend that the daily stuff still matters. Then they look at each other and their daughters, and know that it does still matter. They are just like you. Somewhere, somehow, they find a way to do that, a little bit at a time. Heather and Rachel are fine and wonderful reasons to get up each morning, and face that new day. Somewhere in the grief, they find the joy and happiness of these two beautiful and extraordinary daughters. I don't know if I would have that kind of courage. I only know that they do, and you must too, or you would not have sought out this sight for their support. Your pain is something I cannot understand, because I have not experienced it. Obviously, Steve and Win have. And through their love of their children, and of God, they have found a way and a place to continue living. Know that if you are here seeking advice and wisdom, you have come to the right place. If they count me as their friend, then I am blessed. TC
I'm not really sure how I found your page - I think it was a like from an LDS site. I was one of the privileged 3,000 people to hear your talk at Womens Conference in 1997. I remember feeling so sad for you because I knew your grief as I have had my daughter cross the veil also. I am so sorry to hear about your little one your were carrying as you talked. Sometimes I really think it is hard for members to truly understand how we feel I think they feel we should not feel such grief because we have the knowledge of eternal families. Yes, this gives us peace, but the hurt is still there. We will never stop hurting. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings in such a public way. I feel blessed having visited your site.
Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. I am still grieving the loss of two little girls in utero after 9 years of infertility. I lost the first one last year and the second one last month. I wish I would have had the opportunity to see them laugh, find out what thier little personalities were like, hold them close to me while feeling thier little hearts beating against my breast...it is obvious the test in life was not for them, but for my husband and I.
I, too, have fielded cruel comments from people, or misguided comments from well-meaning friends, "Well, you really didn't lose a child because she wasn't even born yet" (just because she didn't have a headstone or have a funeral doesn't mean that she wasn't real-and really, what does the age of the child have to do with my very real grief?!?) or "It was God's Will" (God didn't willfully break my heart - we live our lives and during the course of it bad things happen to good people - Heavenly Father is the one who helps us through it).
Like yourselves, prayer, writing, and holding on to my faith has been my saving grace. And the knowledge that comes from knowing about the true Gospel of Jesus Christ helps heal the heart...slowly, but surely. Thank you for your willingness to bear the burden of others even as you bear your own. You are truly a celestial family.
I was in Wash. in Dec. of 1998 for my parents 50th wedding anniversary, I went back in Feb. to bury my father. My grandson(my only grandchild) had 16 surgeries and spent over 5 months in ICU last year and he died Dec. 30 1999. My husband(my best friend) walked out 3 days before my baby died. My dogs died last year also(I didn't even cry). I lost all my reality. My daughters 16 and 26 are having a very hard time they look to me and I don't have any answers. I am just trying to breath. Gloria
Dear Marshes. Your inner strength is something to desire . I personally know grief for a child, and to me the experience was sureal I definetly now know after reading about your losses that our children definetly have to be the ones to help us survive as well as God. Its been 5yrs. July 5th that I lost my little girl Natalie from a fall. Gone threw the greif process and still grieve I sit and wonder how in the world did I ever survive such a devastating experience in my life. The strength it took to even surmise she is not with us was a strength that only Natalie would of given me. The bond and love I had with child was a feeling I had never felt before, a mothers love I did finally know. The urning i had to be with her was so powerful it felt like my life had been taken from me and I craved and craved for it to come back. After I come out of shock and my mid would let me remember the last hours with her, I remembered being there when her spirit left her body and the energy I felt when this happened was so strong I remember thinking the life support system was over working and giving off some sort of energy, ounce I realized it was coming from Natalie it was like she had pulled me into some sort of trance that would not let me comprehend anything else but her. I had my hands on her body to hold her down as I felt her leaving but could not see her lifting. This sensation lasted for about 1 minute and then she was gone, the change in her appearence was so damatic you just knew the spirit in her was gone. That was the first sign from her to let me know ther is life after death and I have had many since, I dont look for the signs they just come and when they do there is no question it is her showing me she is still with me in spirit just not in body. So I definately know she had to of helped me threw my grief for her because if I did not feel these signs from her I dont think I would of survived. I only wish everyone could have felt their loved ones spirit pass on to the after life and greif maybe not be so hard to know we will be together again in peace. So please trust me in that I do know this to be nobody will ever change my mind it was the most magical moment in my life.Since Natalie death we have had another child Evan who is now 2 and is the joy of my life on earth he knows his sister by picture and every night I put him to bed I tell him I love him and I love his sister Natalie who lives in heaven up in the sky. So your chidren will hel you survive to keep their memory alive until the day you will all be together again.Take care Signed someone who knows.
Dear Mr. Marsh: I remember when I first found your website while I was bouncing around the internet. I was impressed by the information you had placed on the net about mediation. I have been a mediation since 1985. Most of my training was court related. I have many certifications in various types of mediation, i.e. divorce, municipal court, superior court, custody, school training, aids training, and extensive court related mediation experience. I have been a paralegal for twenty years. In the last six months I have had two operations which rendered me ill for a while. During my medical leave, I received a termination notice from my employer. I was a poverty case manager for legal aid in my area for the past six years. I loved what I did. Last year a new director came in and was power hungry..........and zap.......you are gone in a minute. Because of my age, I have not been able to find a job.....not too many law firms hiring 55 year olds today....I'm in the midst of filing bankrutpcy.....which I used to do for my clients to save their homes and preserve their ability to get back on their feet. As a christian, I am against filing my own. However, because of my job loss, I have been placed in a very devastating arena.....similar to my former clients. This has taken it's toll on me emotionally and financially. However, after cruising the net and finding your website again, and reading about your losses, I have nothing to compare to you. I had wondered what had happened to you. I never realized you had experience such trauma and loss. My heart goes out to you. To lose a child, and continue to go on, I admire your strength. God Bless and Keep you and your family.
On October 5, 1997, my 8 year old daughter Candice Joy Whitaker took a big cup and asked me if she could go outside and collect frogs. I told her, "Sure, honey!" About 25 minutes later there was a frantic knocking on our front door. It was a boy who lives in our mobile home park. He said Candice had just been hit by a car. Well, I ran outside and asked where she was, running through the park. The boy then told me that she was laying out on the highway. She had followed some other kids across the highway because they told her that there were a lot of frogs in the canal across the highway. This boy was one of those kids. When I got to the highway, I saw my precious little girl laying in the middle of the highway with the EMT's giving her CPR. They wouldn't let me near her. It seemed unreal! They put her in the ambulance and took her to the hospital. We raced to the hospital. We prayed and prayed in the emergency room, sobbing the whole time. The doctor came out after about 20 minutes later and said, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could." At that instant we knew she was gone. This strange numbness came over me. I felt like a zombie. My wife, our 10 year old son and I went into the room and kissed little Candice goodbye for now. The last few years have been tough, but it has been getting gradually better. We all still miss her deeply though. We are devout Southern Baptists, so we know that we will all be reunited one day in Heaven. There was almost another tragedy though. On November 1, 1999, I went into our local rural hospital for a "minor" surgery; however, during it, my pancreas was lacerated and I bled internally. My lungs collapsed, and I had to be airlifted by helicopter to the Tucson Medical Center. I was immediately put on a ventilator. Of course, I was unconscious. When my wife arrived, the doctor told her I had developed ARDS and only had a 10% chance to live. My PCO2 was 35%. I was on that ventilator for two weeks. I had a living will, and my wife was close to authorizing them to take me off the ventilator and let me go when I miraculously started breathing on my own. When I awoke and eventually came to my senses a couple days later, I thanked the doctor in charge of me, and he said, "Don't thank me. Thank God! We still don't know why or how you just started breathing on your own." A lot of people prayed for me, and I believe the Lord knew that my wife and son wouldn't be able to deal with my tragic deal so He lifted me up. My wife later told me that she thought that I might have just given up because I missed Candice so much and wanted to be with her. I told her, "Honey, Candice is in a lot better hands in Heaven with God. She doesn't need me now, but you and our son do. I wouldn't be selfish and abandon you both here, if I could help it." Mr. Marsh, I thank you so very much for your essay! It did me a lot of good reading it. I just printed a copy of it, and I am going to give it to a lady who lost her 17 year old son to traffic accident on Mother's Day last year. May God Bless and Comfort You Forever!
After reading your story and many others I thought that the poem I found after my Sierra died would maybe help others. We never found an author but here it is: We thought of you with love today, but that was nothing new. We thought about you yesterday, and the day before that to. We think of you with silence, we often speak your name. All we have now are memories, and your picture in a frame. Our memories are our keepsakes, with which we'll never part. God has you in his keeping, we have you in our hearts. It broke our hearts to lose you, but you did not go alone. A part of us went with you, the day God called you home.
I have been searching for a long time now trying to find some answers. I was glad to find this site and find others are searching also. I lost my daughter almost 2 years ago she was 6 days old. I have not found a way to get through this. My husband and I are in the middle of a court case that seems will take forever and in the end the will still be no answers!!!! No I'm sorry. ( Not that it would matter )I hope this site will give me a little peace.
May 31, 2000, will be the year anniversary of the death of my son, Casey, who was 20. I have read all the entries on this page and my heart aches for everyone of them. Loosing a child has to be a parents worse nightmare. I have raised three children and have thought the ultimate nightmare would be a visit or call in the middle of the night saying that one of our children was dead. I no longer think that is the ultimate nightmare, to me the continuing nightmare will be going into our storeroom at 6:30 PM on May 31, 1999, and finding my youngest child laying on the floor with a rifle by his side seeing that he had put the gun in his mouth a pulled the trigger. I have searched and searched for comfort but my pain is so deep that I have buried myself in the scriptures. I loved reading the words Elders Quorum, Primary, Ward, Bishop and other L.D.S. words in your entries. It is very comforting to know that someone can loose three children and still keep the faith. My faith has grown stronger since my son's death and my husband, Kelly, and I have grown closer. God's ultimate sacrifice of giving his Only Begotten son has testified to me that I will see my Casey again. I know that he could not have been in his right mind to take his life. He loved us and we loved him and he would not choose to leave us had he been well. Casey was an organ donor (skin, bones, heart valves) and his death has given approximately 75 people the chance of life. He has also had friends that have changed their lives for the better and three have gone on missions. I am so sorry for the loss of your three children. You are very strong people and I thank you for the opportunity of sharing my grief with you and others. I hope that my testimony may help others who have lost a child to suicide. Our children are not lost, they are now safe and in the hands of a loving father. A special blessing from Elder Vaughan J. Featherstone reiterated that fact to us. God loves us and he will take care of our babys until we go home.
As I sit here, one week from having lost our second child, and read your story, I just shake my head. Like your Courtney, our Benjamin had flu-like symptoms for nine days, the day before he died, he was diagnosed with an ear infection, but other than that, we were told it was just a virus. Two hours after being at the pediatrician, we had to call 911 because Ben was having trouble breathing. At the ER, they diagnosed him with pneumonia and acute sinusitus. He was transferred to Children's Hospital, Mpls, where he was stabilized and began treatment for pneumonia. At 4am, they came and got me and said Ben had taken a turn for the worse. By 5:30pm, our sweet two-year old was dead. Ben had a heart condition which had required three open-heart surgeries before the age of 6 months, but he had been doing wonderful since then. We are in shock, as it happened on my birthday, 4/26, just as we were approaching the 6th anniversary of the death of our first son, Matthew, to SIDS (4/28/94). Thank you for your words of comfort. May God bless all of our children. ~Melissa
I truley am sorry to hear about your loss. I recently (Feb 00) lost my son to a heart defect. I personaly know that the struggle to rebuild you lives is a long and hard road. The time varies from person to person. There isnt a day that goes by that I do not think about Timothy and miss him so much. He was such a inspiration to me and my wife. I learned so much from him. But most important I learned that true love will conquer all.
I, too, am a parent tht found you looking for some solace. Our only son was killed in a car accident at college. He had just got back from Spring break with his fraternity brothers. I almost missed his last call that Sunday night. When I walked in the house and saw my husband on the phone, I exclaimed, "He's alive, he's alive!" I had been worried because I hadn't heard from him since Tuesday. He told me he had had a great time. I reminded him tht he was to make sure to come home on April 5 (My brother was coming with his kids and all of us including my sister and her family were going to spend the weekend at the theme parks.)He told me he remembered. He had a fraternity meeting that night but said he would finish filling me in the next day. That was Sunday March 26. On March 27, around noon I saw a Highway patrolman driving back and forth on my street. I remember thinking how odd that was... then he pulled into my driveway. I went out to see if I could help him he said that he needed to inform me that Michael had been killed in a car accident. A friend had borrowed his truck to move some things and ran out of gas. He had called Michael. Michael borrowed his girlfriend's car and wouldn't let her go because he thought it might be a prank and didn't want her to get stuck on the Interstate with him. He took his friend gas and said goodbye. He was killed just moments later. I can't imagine the grief you have felt losing three. This is so horrendous and so lonely... Thank you so much for being there... Theresa
I to lost a child the most devastating experience of my life
I have written you before. We lost our daughter Amanda to cancer in 1997. We too have had another baby, William Russell born March 21. What a delight!! We have two older boys. Amanda was our youngest. Will is a big part of our healing. He does not replace his sister, but he adds much love and joy to the family. I have the same problem answering the "how many children do you have question." When I was admitted to the hospital I had to answer that so many times. It was my fifth pregnancy and my fourth delivery but I only had two children. Having to talk about it so much weighed heavily on my heart. We have just put a contract on a new house. I didn't think I could ever leave this place because it is where my darling daughter lived and died. But in God's good time we all must move on. It is time for us to begin a new chapter. Steve, I'm glad you have continued the web site and the journal entries even though you were inclined to stop. I think of you as a friend I can count on and care about. it's good to know what is going on in your family. Take care and God speed.
Our son Gary died aged 14yrs on 22May 1999 and its been tough but for you life is so unfair may I say your a great person and a brave one take care and you shall be in our thoughts in Ireland
I'm sorry for your loss and feel your pain. I to just lost my baby. I was 8 months pregnant and lost our precious daughter to a horrible infection. This was a miracle pregnancy after 9 years of infertility we were having a family and now our dreams have been destroyed. I enjoyed reading your story as it made me feel somewhat better. It's so hard to talk with anyone besides my wonderful husband as he is the only one who understands. Best of Luck to you and God Bless...
I forgot to mention, he would have been sweet 16 this Easter Sunday, April 23......... I'm really not looking forward to Easter - but I am going to shine on for my daughter Bradi's sake and I know her bubba would want me to do the same. Thanks for the ear.
My Son Shane (14 1/2)died a year and 1/2 ago. He was my best friend. The man of my house. I am a single mom. I also have a 7 year old daughter that cries at least once a day for her "bubba". He died on a 4 wheeler at grandmas house. they all had specific orders not to let him ride it - - anyway - he was 2 miles away from home and no helmet, flipped it and hit a stop sign pole, and died instantly. 10 years before this accident, he was in a car accident with my grandparents, and they were killed instantly - and he almost went to heaven with them on that day. 1 month in intensive care, listed critical - body cast for 6 months, lots of face elaserations adn skull wounds, but we came out of it with ten fingers and ten toes - and he knew he was lucky to be alive. He was one censored of a musician. He played guitar - and brightened all our lives. I live in a small community - (not even a full high school yet) and there were over 600 people at his funeral. I always knew he was lucky to be alive, but I never thought something so stupid would take him away from me. He was good looking, and standing 6 feet tall when he died, and his momma was his hero - - I just hope he knew he was my hero as well....He loved life, old people, babies, you name it..... He had read the bible more times than his momma had - - - My heart aches every single day....... Thanks for listening. This is the only thing that dries my tears is talking to people that understand.....
I am so grateful that I have known you and all your daughters, and grateful to be part of your lives despite the circumstances. Your strength of spirit and character in surviving a parent's worst nightmare ---- three times ---- speaks for itself. I think of you often, at home and at work, when I hear certain music, when I take care of certain kids, when I hear their names, when I see a Snickers! This website is wonderful and I am sure will bring comfort and a feeling of connection to others in their grief. Thank you for being who you are.
We cannot begin to express to you both as loving parents our thoughts to you, a triple loss is almost too hard for us to start to comprehend, your life test is greater than most people could even start to imagine. We lost our beautiful, healthy 27 year old son in a tragic car accident, March 25 1998. We in desperation accidently come across your path, trying to find a way to save our own sanity, & marriage. With us both greiving in different levels, I hoped we could find some strength and answers, but we found you. Please accept some strength from us now, Maria & Gary Williams "Down Under" Australia . God Bless you both.....
I stumbled on to your web site while looking for something that would help me in my grief. Reading your story gave me hope that I will be able to continue on with my grieving process and that I am not alone in it. We lost our daughter Alexandra on September 29,1999 to Viral Encephalitis. She was 8 years old and our youngest of five children. The pain is almost overwhelming but we do have the knowledge that we will be raising her in the millenium if we are worthy to do so. We are so looking forward to that day. Thankyou for sharing your story. Sincerly, Cindy Ashcroft I
I really benefited from reading the archived entries. Thanks for saving them and keeping them available on the web.
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