September 16, 1997

It is incredibly difficult.  I just want to fade away and die, but I can't.

Jessica's death was a matter of raw grief.  Courtney died before we had worked through the process and created a jumble of issues and responses.  We were finally starting to live again with the hope we had in Robin.  With her, our lives were reborn.  It was a terribly difficult pregnancy, with Win restricted in many things she could do (eventually she wasn't even able to take light duty at work and was pretty much homebound), the last semester of nursing school and everything else.

Robin's birth was like the light at the end of a long and difficult journey.  Then the light went out.  

September 29, 1997

I am frankly amazed at how functional I am.  

I had been asked to run for the 69th District State Representative position.  When Robin died, my first thought was that I could not bear up enough to campaign and keep my law office going at the same time.  From past experiences I realized that intense grief causes some severe issues with being able to function.

Following Robin's death I attended a couple of conferences where no one knew my background and where I was required to participate.  I surprised myself and did very well.

In many ways I am much more aware of the pain, but I am also able to cope with it better.

As a result, when I met again with people who wanted me to run, I decided to do it.  I've a campaign treasurer and the next step is to start campaigning. ../reform/contact.htm

October 8, 1997

Robin Robbins scanned the photos of the girls for me and I've uploaded them to the web page.  That was a surprisingly difficult task, but the pictures are wonderful.  I miss the girls so, and pictures are a pale excuse for the reality.

October 9, 1997

Last night at karate one of the older students (50ish) just found out about our family.  In a way it was nice to realize that some people don't connect the newspaper editorials (e.g. "Strength in Sorrow") with me.

I'm finally getting Heather to go to sleep sooner.  It is still hard in the mornings.  I'm afraid to touch her until I see her breath or move.  I love it when she wakes Win and I up.

October 17, 1997

I am much more functional than I was before.  It doesn't mean that this is any "better" -- in fact, in some ways it is much worse as the numbness that hid the stress and pain isn't there this time.  It seems that experience aids in functioning through this time, though it also leaves me feeling the pain so much more.

By Joe Miller (copyright 1997 Dr. Joseph Miller)(used by permission, all rights reserved)

Anyone who has worked in medicine for any length of time at all has seen enough of death.  Early on, I looked away. When I was a little older and a lot smarter, I learned to look death in the eye and not flinch.

Whatever stance I took, it was designed to insulate me from the sorrow that came iwth someone's death.  And then several years ago, I had a stroke of good fortune. I had a near death experience that forever changed me.  I doed for a moment on an operating table in Dallas.  I moved toward the light and became the light and learned that death was just the opening of a door and not the closing.  I was angry when I had tocome back to this old body.

I went to the funeral for a little child just last week.  Robin Marsh was just a few months old and had already undergone one of the several surgeries she'd have to have in order to survive.  There wasn't any guarantee though.  Sadly, she died unexpectedly in her sleep a few nights ago.  i thought that I was strong and wouldn't cry.  I did.

Win and Steve Marsh have lost two other daughters to different problems over the last three eyars.  They ahve a single surviving daughter.  They decided to have another, not to replace the ones who died -- just another, because the love children and wanted a sibling for their little girl.  Robin was the issue of this long-looked-forward-to pregnancy.  She died just a few weeks old.

<Joe Miller has promised to provide the rest of his editorial in ascii form for transit to this web page.  As soon as it is available, I'll update this page>

Post Script

I decided not to run for office.

This is how my announcement read:

On August 31, 1997 my daughter Robin Elizabeth Marsh died in her sleep of a fatal heart arrhythmia.  The death was completely unexpected.  I find myself unable to both run for office  in a March primary and also take proper care of my family.  

From December 26 (when our daughter Courtney died) to January 26 (when our daughter Jessica died) to two days after Valentine's day (Courtney & Jessica were born two days before and two days after Valentine's day) my family will need special care.  

With a March primary, I am unable to take time to campaign from now to March of 1998  and also take the care Win & Heather need following Robin's death.  

As a result, I have withdrawn from the race.

For more on the unrelated deaths of my three deceased daughters, see ../living/index.htm

I did get to discuss my withdrawal with a United States Congressman and others.  I wish I could have run.  I had the strength to run or the strength to care for Win and Heather, but not both.  I'm sorry, but running for office just doesn't match up to caring for Win and Heather.

Journal Entries Index

Robin Journal One September-October 1997	six.htm September 1998 to February 1999	ten.htm August-November 2000	Summer-Christmas 2002
two.htm November/December 1997	seven.htm May-August 1999	eleven.htm January-July 2001	A New Year 2003-2004 Memorial Day
three.htm December 1997 to March 1998	quest.htm Alumni Questionnaire	twelve.htm October-November 2001	Guestbook Leave me a comment
four.htm March 1998	eight.htm August 1999 to February 2000	Thanksgiving 2001	my blog: http://ethesis.blogspot.com/
five.htm May-August1998	nine.htm March-July 2000	Spring-Summer Wallace 50th Anniversary

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