January 28, 2001
I love Ms. Rachel, our baby, but ... letting her get close to me emotionally has stirred up so many memories and feelings. This year was much harder emotionally than last year. Much. But, we had a good Christmas, and a good Hanukkah. We spent Hanukkah with some people we are just getting to know, but who are just delightful. With Win's schedule and everything it is rough to find time to socialize -- and they are very busy people too -- but we really enjoyed the time.
The 26th of January was so bitter sweet. I dearly love my wife. I'm glad to remember our anniversary -- I thought she would never change her mind and agree to marry me and I've been happy with that decision ever since. But the 26th is also the day Jessica died. With Rachel in our lives my emotions are so stirred up.
We had the usual hiccups this past little while. Heather's rabbits had their bunnies and they all died as the result of a freak storm and the mother rabbit not being able to deal with the stress (rabbits just give up and die all the time, or give up and let each other die). She has had a second litter and this time she is doing much better and all of her babies are thriving, but the first set was the one Heather had been dream of and waiting for. Well, now we can have everyone spayed and neutered and go back to "normal" yard bunnies.
Sassy, the pygmy hedgehog we had been given, developed oral cancer and she died too. Turns out she was very old and this is a normal development for ancient hedgehogs. The vet was very kind with us.
Read a sad story in the newspaper about a family that had one child die and then the other, who was very young (eight or nine years old), committed suicide because they couldn't take the pain. A family we know had a child write a suicide note, but luckily they got through their issues. The pain does lessen over time.
Still, that was a scary combination, especially with worrying about how Heather was dealing with Marsha's death and then the deaths of the pets. It was good for her to discover that the death of friends, no matter how close, is not as painful as the death of siblings. Still, it was hard for everyone too.
Win did very well with school this last semester. I was especially pleased to hear that on the standardized chemistry test, with a class average score of about 75, she basically doubled the standard raw score. I'm glad to see her accomplishing things. It gives the whole family a sense of direction.
Lots of other things have happened, they just don't seem that important.
I do think that I want to teach more, and to continue to teach, but other than that, my life doesn't have the sharp focus it once had. Used to be I had a focus, I was going to write games and raise children. I had a hobby and I had a purpose. I still really feel focused about my two children I have left, but there is this deep void that echos to me of complete failure. It is irrational, but I had three children I failed to protect, failed to preserve against death.
As for games, I still think about them sometimes, but there is a real time constraint with my job, the support Win needs in school, and taking time for my children. I like games, but I am unwilling to put them before my wife, children or taking care of them. On the other hand, Heather and I are writing some stories. ../story/index.htm. They are growing in kind of a random order and with random content, but they have been fun. Only wish we had started writing them down sooner.
I'm still not sure what direction I will take with my life. I want the world to be a better place for my children, for my friends and for everyone else as well (I don't have any enemies I know of, or I'd include them too). I'm a completely different guy than the thirty-something guy who had a law practice that was "over the hump," three wonderful children, and a windsurfing wife to go out to the lake with every evening in a long, lazy indian summer. I had missed out on a lot of things, but with my children and my wife, it didn't really matter, because I had the things that were real to me.
It has been a wonderful sixteen years of marriage, and Jessica would be a teenager now. I don't know. Guess I should come up with a clean "wrap up" statement for this entry, but my life isn't cleanly "wrapped up" and may never be.
May 11, 2001
"My impression of Stephen Marsh is that he is the first attorney I've ever dealt with, albeit in attenuated form, who is a better man than Atticus Finch himself. I always thought that Finch was an impossible ideal as a role model, and that that's why Finch is only a fictional character. I have met one attorney, locally, who comes very close. But Marsh is the first one I've "met" who might actually even be worthier than Finch."
I know, flattery is cheap, but it was nice to run across that comment about me. Made me feel better this week, especially with all the turmoil. Win finished this set of finals. It was grueling for her (these are the toughest in the program, and about eight people will have to repeat the entire first year as the result of blowing just one of the finals -- one student by .5%tage points on her final grade) and then her Aunt Bobbie had heart surgery. She is there now, leaving me with the girls and a friend's daughter as well (we are watching her while her mom has an extended road trip). Rachel has a slight milk allergy still going, have to watch how much she drinks down. At least the ear infections (both) seem to be resolving, if we can just get her over the cold ...
Still, I am awfully happy with many things in my life. My family is
so dear to me.
May 26, 2001
A rough weekend, Memorial Day always is.
Pound Cake recipe:
2 cups of butter, half-melted.
Blend in 2 cups of sugar (room temperature).
Blend in 8 (large) eggs (one at a time, from the refrigerator).
Will blend up into a frothy, light mixture.
Add 1.5 tablespoons vanilla
1.5 teaspoons brandy flavoring
.25 teaspoons mace
.25 teaspoons nutmeg
In a seperate container, blend four cups flour, 2.5 teaspoons baking powder, .5 teaspoons salt. Sift thouroughly.
Add to the frothy mixture, about .2 cups at a time until completely blended (at slow speed).
Bake for about 65 minutes or so in a fluted bundt or tube cake pan at 325 degrees.
We missed a wedding we had planned to attend today. We just were not up to it. Missing the girls too much and just dealing with the non-stop pace we have had recently, between Win's killer final schedule, her Aunt Bobby's heart surgery and the end of school for Heather.
Heard from a lady who lost her son in an automobile accident, and then, shortly thereafter, lost another son in another accident. I really did not have much I could say to her, but my heart sure aches for her.
June 3, 2001
I really love my parents.
Thinking about Mother's Day just past, and Father's Day to come, got me to missing them some.
I've also been corresponding, a little, with a writer who uses the pen name Atticus Falcon. His father just died, and he wrote a wonderful retrospective about him.
I am grateful I was not estranged from my father like my mother was from hers, though recently I was able to obtain some reminicences from people about him.
When we were at Mycena he talked about the lions gate and doing work to determine what medals were used to hold the doors in place under the gate. Don't remember more except he did say something about it be inconclusive ... there being bronze....and his feeling that subsequent inhabitants had left most of what he was able to gather...maybe that is why he mentioned finding a car bolt from a model T-Ford when we were there. [Mark Marsh comment]
I vividly remember him driving to the dig and waving to people out the window and driving over the curb...and kicking over a section of the wall in the dig so he could show how it was art and guess work, the process of picking up a rock deciding it came from the wall and tossing it in place and so in a very few moments he reconstructed a similar wall to what he had kicked over and said, sitting there on the "new" wall," remember the ART of an art and science" (1975 Myceanea)
and getting fresh squeezed lime aid and yogurt with rice
Neat stuff as people remember If you ever get references to Alex and what he did for hes thesis's, MA or PHD or what year and school, I would like to obtain copies... [Dan Marsh comment. Alex Mylonas is our deceased uncle, got his PhD from Yale, not sure of the year or school at Yale].
I was a student of his in Art & Archeology at Washington Univ., St.Louis from 1956-7. His daughters Iona and Daphne were a year or two behind me in High school and college. I finally visited Greece in 1982 and was too stupid to call him or visit him. He died a few years later. I showed some of his findings at the British Museum in 1980 to my wife and two children. I did participate in a dig at Sepphoris, Israel with Dr. James Strange in 1983 and now give an introductory presentation of archelogy at ASPEC at Eckerd College, St. Petersburg, Fl. I plan to do a session on Mycenae next Jan. [Jan S. Hirschfield, M.D.]
As we both get older, my Dad and I can talk more. We are so very different. He was a runner, a world class runner (in high school he tied an Olympic record). I'm not a runner, though I wasn't a bad martial artist. But we have just kept trying and finally are connecting. My Mom is just the best.
A friend's essay "A Song for My Father" is at my blog now. Well worth reading if you are missing a parent, or on the outs with one. I enjoyed it, and called home after reading it, it made me so grateful for my Dad. Atticus's way isn't my way (I don't drink or smoke), but it was heartfelt, and I must of sent it to forty friends who all enjoyed it.
I'm still trying to get my mind around my own thoughts. I had them, but I didn't write them down in time.
July 6, 2001
This is Robin's birthday. So much I'd like to say and so much I just can't get out.
I won a case in the Texas Supreme Court that made the front cover of the Texas Lawyer, other things have happened, but I want Robit to play with under a tree.
|Robin Journal One
September 1998 to February 1999
|A New Year
2003-2004 Memorial Day
December 1997 to March 1998
Leave me a comment
August 1999 to February 2000
|my blog: http://ethesis.blogspot.com/|
Wallace 50th Anniversary
|Guestbook -- Leave a Comment (tos)|
|[adrr.com (mediation)]||[Ethesis]||[Surviving Loss]||[©1996-2003 Stephen R. Marsh All Rights Reserved]||[e-mail]|