The 1994 letter we almost sent

Dear Family and Friends:

This is one of those years that I would love to tell everyone about how wonderful our life has been. I really wish it had been that way.

Instead, Jessica, our oldest, became ill with the flu at Christmas time two years ago, she spent 32 days in ICU and died in January 1993. She was almost 7. Courtney, our youngest, died of sudden onset diabetes at UCLA on Christmas last year. She was 22 months old. We've also had two miscarriages in the last 14 months. This year has been a year of sorrow, pain, and grief.

People handle grief in different ways -- some hide, some scream, some pull out of all involvements, and some just try to stay busy. We seem to fall into the busy category. I think we have both been busier than we ever want to be again.

My busyness started when I was made a new novice in Senior-Junior Forum. Then I agreed to co-chair Volunteer Coordination for PTA. Then the Republican Party called asking for some volunteer hours. That should have been enough. Unfortunately, I still found time to feel sorry for myself so I agreed to serve as President of the Wichita County Legal Auxiliary, and also began serving as a counselor in Relief Society. That seems like it should have given me plenty to stew about. When I was asked to join the Board of Directors for Maternity Cottage, I should have said NO! But I did not. It turned out to be a bigger job than I thought. To top it off, I started back to school to work on a second degree. I was on the Family of the Year committee again this year, helped run a fund-raiser or two for the cottage, and did the Christmas party for the County Bar Association this year. Darnit, I still feel pain -- just don't have time to sleep anymore.

I am a little further along with dealing with our losses .. and no longer feel such a need to be quite so busy.. unfortunately, I am obligated through May with most of these commitments. I just hope they don't "commit" me before they are over. Currently, I feel just plain old tired. I wonder why!

Steve has found ways to stay busy too. He put together a mediation group--The Red River Mediation Council, became a certified U. S. Arbitration & Mediation Corp. mediator, and organized a local community/school district mediation organization. Writing has always been very calming to Steve, he used this to his advantage in 1994. He had 3 or 4 legal articles published, and has 2 accepted for publication in 1995. He is still on the Parents Anonymous Supervisory Board. He teaches the 4-7 year olds at Church. He is still self-employed, and finally seems to have found joy in his profession again -- grief and medical bills were a lousy combination.

Heather is wonderful. She is in first grade. She had been very concerned about dying in first grade like Jessica. She seems to be getting over that. She is a good little reader. They have about 4 kids in her class who read really well, so they have them reading one of Pearl S. Buck's books out loud to one another. It is so odd to hear these little tiny voices reading such grown up sentences. We are proud of her. Steve and I both feel that she takes after "our" side of the family.

All the busyness in the world does not heal the pain. It does keep one distracted. We hope to have a very non-eventful 1995. We would like a year absent of financial strain, medical bills, death, and discouragement. We have learned; however, that we have no idea what is in our future, and we have very little control. We thank God for family and friends who have lightened our burden, helped us pay medical expenses, encouraged us, and helped us find joy in living.

Love Always,

Steve, Win, and Heather



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